In the fall of 2018 I wrote a question down. I suppose I posed this to myself to contemplate, but maybe I wrote it down hoping that the universe would send someone along to answer it for me. The question was -
Where do dreams go if we don't act on them?
I was becoming frustrated with my chosen occupation as a school psychologist. I had been working in the field for well over a decade and felt defeated. I had attempted many times to move into leadership roles within the school system. I took above and beyond the additional graduate courses required for the appropriate endorsements on my license. Every time I applied, interviewed, and was told that I had done well, but they had "went with someone else". After awhile, I noticed a trend. It seemed that whomever took the positions that I strived for, were likely chosen well before I even attempted. I became jaded and started to wonder if I was even in the right line of work.
I spent time with a therapist, began a regular meditation practice, and started writing every day. That question - where do dreams go if we don't act on them was a question that stumbled out of me during a writing episode. I have always enjoyed writing. Language Arts was one of my favorite classes in junior high and high school. I took English classes in college too, but only to fill in spaces around the courses I needed to fulfill my major and minor. Did writing have something to offer me? I wondered about what other skills I had that I had pushed aside during the course of attaining college degrees and gaining employment as an adult. I graduated college, then went immediately to graduate school, then found my first job as a school psychologist. I also got married and had our first child, all within the first few years outside of graduate school. Add two more children and I had my nose to the ground learning how to be a parent as well as keeping up with the demands of my profession. In 2018 it's almost as if I looked up for the first time in about 12 years and wondered if there was a dream out there that I lost sight of or something in the universe that was trying to get my attention. I sensed an inner nagging or tug that I couldn't ignore. I had no reason to be unhappy, but couldn't seem to shake an out of control anxiety that sprang up on me in the most inopportune moments. It was becoming paralyzing. I knew I had to listen to the messages my body was sending and the effects on my mental health - so I started to explore options.
I had met with counselors and therapists in the past, but not since college. I decided it was time to see if someone else might be able to uncover what was going on with me. The therapist I went to see suggested specific guided meditations that focused on relaxation to attempt to lower my stress. I listened to the short ten minute meditations every day and started to read books on meditation and how it might help me. I started to uncover more than I could ever have imagined and found myself intrigued and asking more and more questions. My therapist was not equipped to answer my questions, since meditation was not something that is necessarily part of therapy. I enjoyed my sessions with her, but we both determined that I needed to explore meditation more on my own since it was resonating the greatest with me.
During my regular journal writing, I recalled how much I had enjoyed a yoga class I had taken in college. I remember how good it felt to go to that one night a week class. It seemed similar to the benefits I was receiving from my meditation sessions. I started attending group yoga classes in my community and then in January 2019 I reached out to the studio owner of the studio where I was attending classes. I wanted to know more about yoga and how I could teach it to others. She had attained her 200 hour yoga teacher training certification in Bali. It sounded wonderful, but after looking into the time and cost, decided it was not something my family could swing. However, it did not take long for me to find local yoga and wellness schools. I began a program in September 2019, graduated with my 200 hour teacher training certification in June 2020 and immediately signed up for the next level, the 340 hour teacher training to begin in January 2021. I am on track to graduate from this teacher training in November of this year.
Alongside the discovery of meditation and yoga and the profound benefits they've had in my life, I started to provide my creative side an outlet. I began my blog in January 2019 and a few months later started to make homemade soy wax candles. It was intriguing and used a completely different skill set than I was use to. I kept going, wanting to know more and learn how to create a business in which I could sell them to others. I love seeing the expression on people's faces when they find a candle that hits home. A candle that brings forth a memory, an emotion, a feeling, or just a sense of peace. One night when I was taking a bath (one of the best ways for my creative juices to flow), Ease of Being rang through my ears like a whisper. I kept repeating it over and over again as I stepped out of the bath and wrote it down. I knew it meant something, but wasn't sure what. It just felt so good. It felt right. It felt like me.
It is now the summer of 2021, almost three years since I wrote down the question where do dreams go if we don't act on them?
What I have determined is this -
I don't want to know what happens when I don't act on a dream. I want to live fully during this one precious life. I want to keep evolving and discovering more of what I am made out of and how I can be the best version of me. It's risky. It would have been safe to keep my nose down and not wonder if the path I had worn so well was the only one I could travel. I love quotes, but have grown tired of the trite sayings about just believing in yourself. It's not that easy. Especially if your self worth is next to nothing and you've always relied on external reinforcement and ego boosting praise.
I continue to work as a school psychologist, but only part time. I teach weekly classes at the yoga studio where I started my inquiry. I now own my small self made business, Ease Of Being where I write, sell my homemade soy wax candles, and offer my services as a yoga teacher. I feel aligned and grounded in myself. I know that yoga is my medicine, my formula, of how to live my life and I rarely experience anxiety anymore.
Deciding to take the journey of self study is not unique to me. If you are feeling unmotivated, stressed, or maybe just generally unhappy, please know that those feelings do not mean that there is something wrong with you. What is the message within those feelings? Sometimes we need help discerning what the message is and I encourage you to reach out and let someone know. It all starts there. Take one step each day. It is my sincere hope that you find peace and ease in this human journey. If I can be of any help or support, get in touch with me here.
From my heart,
Christina